Getting Therapy Soon - 169

I have a tendency to do well during the week and TOTALLY blow it on the weekends. I don't know why. I totally erase any good that I did during the week. What good does that accomplish? None!

So, I'm motivated. I'm leaving in 45 minutes and I'm going home. I'll take care of the dogs, vacuum and maybe even finish clearing out my exercise room. J says if I clear it out then I can move my equipment downstairs where its cooler and I'd use the room more. I also got new running shoes this weekend. I'm going to start slow... but I really want to be running again by November... if even just a short distance.

I need to write a letter to Holly. It's been way too long. I'm also going to my first group therapy session tomorrow. I'm depressed. There's no doubt at all about that. I'm amazed it took me so long to accept that I need counseling. I might need more counseling than birthmother group therapy can provide. But at least its a start.

Food today has been bad... leftovers... and fatty ones. I wish a switch would just click on in my head and I'd be the way I was in So. Cal. Healthy, happier, thinner... I guess I'll have to work for it... just as I did before. I can do it.

Don't let me slip. I need to get it together. If not for being thin, then for the health reasons, mental health reasons, and the sake of my marriage. My husband doesn't want to be around me sometimes because I'm so depressing. Every single symptom of depression I have... even the one with recurrent thoughts of death. I don't want to die... but I do think about death a lot, at least once a day. It's disturbing. I'm not the same person I was. I need to feel something again... stop hiding in work. The only joy I feel is when I'm eating or shopping. No more running, unless its for exercise, no more hiding, unless I'm playing a game. My life must change or I will condemn myself to a life of lonliness and self-hate. Then I will have no one... because no one wants to be around someone like that. I hardly want to be around myself. What does that say? God... I'm glad I'm going to be getting therapy soon.

2004-06-28 @ 4:10 p.m.
BACKWARDS // FORWARDS