My Body Hates Me and I Hate It - 169

My body hates me and I'm totally punishing my body. I don't know what gets into me with food. It's like an all or nothing situation. Either I really eat or I starve. There's no in between. And it doesn't work for weight loss anymore! Since I gave birth, the whole weight loss combination to my body has changed. It's annoying as hell. I'm almost up to 170 again. I feel like a freak. I can't wait until my therapy session next week. I'm going to pass on a birthday card for Holly, she's going to be 1 in August, and do some serious soul searching. The closer it gets to August, the more f'ed up I get. Sometimes I wish I could just pay someone to give me amnesia. That way, I wouldn't feel so f'ed up.

I hate how food and eating just takes over my life sometimes. I hate that I'm so lonely that I'm just grasping at straws for conversation and friendship. The people at work aren't friends, they are co-workers. Work and online... that's the only socialization I get and I'm going crazy. This Sunday, I'm going to find a church with a contemporary service and go. If J doesn't want to go, that's ok. It's something that I need to do for me. I need to overcome the fear of being the married woman who goes to church alone. Lots of married women do it. But I need God right now. I need friendly people right now. Most of all, I need people who will understand that not aborting was a good thing and I didn't sacrifice my sanity for a moral or political belief. I have no sex drive. Even the drive toward women has decreased. I really have to get overly motivated to do something... like keep my house very orderly. Or move three rooms in one night if I'm going to do it at all. I need to find a balance within myself and in my world. Right now, I'm so out of balance that I really don't feel like myself.

Today, a coworker asked how things are going in my world. I said "just peachy." But for the life of me, I couldn't tell you WHY things are peachy. Then, part of me just wants to run away. I really hope I get out of this funk soon. I'm going to exercise every night, come hell or high water, to get those endorphins pumping. I need some kind of boost. I drank three 16 oz glasses of water at lunch today and ate salad. Healthy eating... So today I've had:

- Honey Nut Cheerios Breakfast Bar
- Small Bag of Hot Pork Rinds (75 cals)
- Handful of Cashews
- 1/2 cup of meatball soup
- Cup of potato salad
- Salad with 2 tbsp of honey mustard dressing

Ok... not so healthy with the peanuts and pork rinds snack. But if you are counting carbs, its a low carb snack. Of course, I'm not doing that anymore. All right... back to work.

Weight: SHIT... 169

2004-07-20 @ 11:28 a.m.
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