My Grandmother is Dying - 170

My grandmother is dying. She's 93 and has lived a full life, but its very sad nonetheless. I'm going to San Antonio this weekend in case she passes while I'm in California.

I was so depressed last night that I drank an entire bottle of Shiraz. No... I didn't call anyone. But I did wake up very hung over and extremely depressed. I called my sister on the way to work. I just really don't know who I am anymore. I define myself by what I do, which is sick. Barbara Bush once said, "No one reads your resume at your funeral." What have I done? I've done a lot professionally... but what have I REALLY done to live my life? Am I destined to die alone because my husband is older than I am and everyone in my family is too? Am I so socially crippled that I sabotage every potential social relationship?

I told my sister that I feel like Barbie. I have the Barbie car and the Barbie house and the Barbie job... but I'm plastic and hollow inside. And last night, I filled myself with Shiraz. Outside I'm all smiles, but inside I'm alone, I'm crying and I just want to run away. So I am.

This weekend I'm going to S.A. alone. I need some time by myself. I need some time to be with family. And I need to get back to the basics in life... and what really matters when a person is on this planet. I'm staying with my mom. I'm going to church Sunday morning with my family. I probably won't get back to Dallas until 6 or 7 pm on Sunday. This might be all hormonal, since I do start my period on Wednesday. But my grandmother dying is not hormonal. It's life... and I really need to start living mine.

Weight: 170

2004-09-24 @ 10:16 a.m.
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