My Legacy - 170+

My L.A. event went great... but it was tainted in pleasure by the fact that my grandmother died the day before. I'm writing this now from San Antonio. I went to her gravesite today. Since I was in CA and couldn't get back, they had the funeral without me. I sort of paid my last respects when I came down the week before. But it really hurt when my sister said, "And all the grandchildren sang a song." She didn't mean to hurt me by the comment... but it hurt nonetheless. I felt horrible. So yes, I'm typing this drunk, after 1/2 a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a vokda tonic.

I think my mom is really bothered by the fact that she is going to be buried alone. She keeps on bringing up where her gravesite is going to be, in the same block as my maternal grandparents. I know its because she thinks that her grave will never get visited. But hell, she's only 69. The way she's acting, you'd think she already had one foot in.

Yes... my mom is married. But my stepfather is being buried in a military cemetary with his first wife. He's a widower. My dad is buried in a military cemetary as well. But my parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. My stepmom may or may not be with him eventually... but I really don't want to think about that. So, she is going to be buried alone.

Death always makes me think of what really matters in life. Weight, work, drama... everything that is usually written in this diary is worthless when you're six feet under. The only things that remain are your children and the impact that you have made on others lives who still remain.

Barbara Bush once said, "No one reads your resume' at your funeral." Note to self: Have resume' read at funeral to prove her wrong.

I had so much drama in CA. I told my best friend what I think of her boyfriend. I really shouldn't have. I just should have kept my mouth shut. I believe people should be allowed to live their lives in the manner they choose. Why the hell don't I practice what I preach? Nothing good can come of telling your best friend, and especially telling your best friend's boyfriend, exactly what is on your mind. Damned alcohol. Makes me say what I feel every time.

So, I'm having breakfast with my stepmom and possibly sister tomorrow. After, I'm going to my grandmothers house and meeting up with my mom to show her what I'd like held aside for me. I come from a very poor family... so its not like I have any sort of inheritance ever coming to me. It's just sentimental stuff like stuffed animals, paintings, and things other people might think are cheesy. She said she would pick some stuff out for me. But that just isn't personal at all.

I saw my oldest sister today. She's applying to be a non-profit horse rescue. She has 19 horses now and she spends $1,000 per month on stall shavings (wood chips that horses pee and poop on) per month. Her husband really must rake it in. She's as involved with her horses as I am with my job and the entertainment industry. Here I am on bereavement leave and I'm worried about how my shows are doing and how our home video is selling. I'm so fucked up sometimes.

Speaking of fucked up. A dinner over $1,000 later in L.A. and one over $600 for 6 people later, I'm over 170. I'm a cow. But I have other things to worry about other than my weight. I need to think about how I really want to live my life... and if STUFF is worth being buried without a legacy. Yeah... like I said... I know I'm fucked up.

2004-10-08 @ 9:40 p.m.
BACKWARDS // FORWARDS