self hatred - 172

Christmas is a HORRIBLE time to do this study. Just horrible. I have managed to maintain my weight... but no loss except for those inches. I really wish I could leave early and take a nap. I need to clean the house tonight because my sister and her husband are visiting this weekend. I also need to wrap everyone's Christmas presents. I went to bed sick last night. (Starting to get a cold) I feel better today, but I'm still VERY run down. We have tickets for Six Flags on Saturday. I hope I feel like going.

Depression really bites the big one. I'm lonely. Yet all I want to do is curl up into a ball and be by myself. Half of me even wants to stay home over Christmas versus road tripping to California. I know I need it. I need to get away. But I'm so worn down that I just want to slip away and sleep for a few weeks.

The holidays are really hard on me. I'm incredibly jealous of my husband because he didn't have a hard time at all with the adoption. Me... I can't stand to look at a happy pregnant woman. I'm seethingly jealous of them. I can't watch TV where a woman is pregnant and her husband is happy about it. A girl at work is pregnant. She says... "Well, we've been married four years. It's ok that its a surprise." Fuck... Fuck... Fuck... Fuck... Especially around the holidays I feel like a fucking freak. One of my students is pregnant and her baby will be born within the next two weeks. She was standing up in class because he had his foot in her ribs. (Holly did that a lot) So I found myself explaining, during break, how to guide the foot away. I'm a freak. I'll always be a freak. And I honestly don't know if not keeping her because I had more life to live and more goals to accomplish before having kids was a good reason. Because, lets face it, my life is WORK! My goal is to get back into school so I can do more with WORK! That's NOT having a life. I have no really good friends... NONE! I don't even have my best friends phone number anymore. I call my family A LOT because I'm so lonely for conversation. But the things I want to talk about, my husband has either heard a million times or he just isn't interested in. I'm so fucked up right now. Yet I still put on the happy face. What are my hobbies? I couldn't tell you? Who are my friends? Nope... can't tell you that either. What do I do for a living? There's only so much I can talk about that. I'm filled with so much self doubt and so much hatred for the person I've become (outside of the office) that I know its unhealthy. I'm dying. I just look alive.

I can't wait until Christmas is over.

2004-12-16 @ 2:02 p.m.
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