Eating Myself Alive - 210

I really need to get into therapy. Bad. I've done some things in my life that I'm not proud of and they are eating at me like cancer. First my guilt attacks my stomach, makes me eat more. Then it attacks my mind. Now it has attacked my arms, legs and my soul. I feel so empty. People reach out to me to give me love and I don't know what to do with it. I can't say thank you for the nice things. I'm going to drive everyone in my life away like this. I think I'm so damned popular at work but when my only friend is traveling, guess who doesn't get invited out to lunch? Me.

Of course, I really need to stop hiding my emotions in my food. I went for ice cream yesterday and instantly felt better. Not good. It would be healthier to rely on endorphins for that fix: get some exercise, go outside and soak up some sun, go swimming, go to the gym, go walking... go do anything. Maybe I'll haul my fat ass out of bed in the morning instead of sleeping and walk a couple of miles a day. Whatever I do, I need to start looking for solutions. Otherwise, I'll never be happy and I'll just keep blaming everyone around me for that unhappiness but myself.

It's not my jobs fault. It's not my husband's fault. It's not my friend's fault. It's my fault, my mistakes and I need to own up to that or drown in my own self-hatred.

2008-11-06 @ 12:50 p.m.
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