Old and Unfamiliar - 212

Ever heard the phrase you are only as young as you feel? Well, lately I've been feeling very old. Like 70s old. I'm not talking about being born in '76. I FEEL like I'm 76. I'm fat. I have no energy. I have nothing interesting to talk about. I plan my nights around what is on TV. My only friends are over 60 miles away. The list goes on... Oh yeah, and I can't STAND to look at myself in the mirror.

Everything about me is fat, my face, my arms, my stomach, my legs and my fat ass attitude (which I used to call fattitude but now its just the way I act.) I have to take control or else I'm just going to eat myself to death.

This morning I had a small bowl of cereal and some fruit for breakfast. I didn't gorge or go for the larger bowl. I hate our dishes. They are pretty but they are just too big. I have a tendency to want to fill my plate. Since we got those dishes, I've gained 40 pounds.

I'm fatter than my grandma was. She was a size 16. I'm a size 18. Its a horrible feeling to be fatter than someone you once considered to be really fat. I need help. I need control.

I am seeing a therapist. I don't know why I find so much comfort every day in having dessert... feeling so full I might just pop but enjoying it. I gorge on chips at Mexican food restaurants. I don't drink as much as I used to, but maybe I should. Maybe that would be better. I can consume 1,000 calories of dessert and still keep going. 1,000 calories of wine and I'd at least pass out.

What really cheeses me off is that I used to be thin! I used to be happy! I fantasize about running, being on an elipitcal, going to school and having nothing but a meal replacement bar for dinner and being OK with that. I fantasize about who I once was and I miss her. I miss her a lot. Hopefully one of these days I'll find her again.

Weight: 212

2008-11-19 @ 10:54 a.m.
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